Peering into my dark past planning a bright future

I don’t mean to keep going on about my switch to methadone. A move that my fellow addicts would likely see as a step backward. For me it has without a doubt been a step forward. I don’t wake up each morning feeling totally empty, without purpose and useless. I can actually motivate myself to do what many see as basic everyday tasks. I honestly don’t know how much longer I would have been able to stay on buprenorphine without something bad happening because it was seriously messing with me mentally.

After being on 50mg Methadone for 3 days I am at the point where I am feeling the benefits fully. I feel good both mentally and physically. Today I have been planning my next steps. I am going to stabilise on 50mg methadone then being reductions. I want this to be successful so I am not looking to come down fast. To begin with 5mg every 2+ weeks is a good place to start. I will of course change these reductions as I get lower to make the drops smaller. I have always found it easy to get down to a low dose. The last bit hits me hard but I have always rushed reductions in the community. With my knowledge from completing a 3 month rehab program I feel more prepared to win the fight this time around.

I have noticed I am getting a little sleeping in the early evening. It is a mix between a minor nod but not quite. The effects of methadone is nothing unexpected as I spent 6 years on meth, starting right at the beginning of my opiate dependency. These effects or side effects depending on how you see things make sense. Methadone is a full agonist, meaning it fully activates the mu opoid receptors, whereas buprenorphine only partially activates these receptors and also blocks other opiates. It can also fight for control of the mu receptors, which in layman terms equals an almost instant onset of horrific and severe withdrawals. No amount of heroin, methadone, codeine or other opiate will stop these withdrawals, the only cure for this is waiting things out.

I remember switching from meth to buprenorphine about 2 years ago. I was in moderate withdrawals when the Doctor switched me over I abstained from using any opiates even my legally prescribed methadone. Regardless my first dose of buprenorphine made my withdrawals even worse. I will always remember sitting in the car with my Mum and chucking an 8mg Subutex under my tongue, the sun shining down. The taste was so bitter. More so that heroin, and anything I have ever experienced. Being naive and desperate to feel normal, I set off looking to score with £20 I stole of my Mother. Long story short I did score after waiting in a grimy alley with numerous other addicts. As many of you will know this didn’t help and only made things worse. I never stole from my Mum until heroin came into the picture and I hate myself for this endlessly. She has done so much for me. I am working to earn her trust again and to make amends where possible.

Thats all I have for today.

Opiate Addict signing out

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s