Where to begin is the question on my mind as I write this post. I have not updated you all for a couple of months now. It was never my intention to neglect this blog so much. Things started falling down around me. In the true addict fashion I found excuses and justifications to use heroin and crack. I should know better because that short lived buzz soon fades and leaves you with immense amounts of guilt. Just looking family and friends in the eyes is a challange as you feel totally naked. It is almost as if they can see right through you. Through all the lies.
I relpased but if I’m being honest I knew it was coming I just didn’t want to admit it. After increasing my methadone from 50 to 80ml over a couple of weeks has made all the difference. No longer do I wake up in the morning feeling sick with that dreaded churning that words cannot describe, but anyone who has experienced opiate withdrawals will instantly recognise. My current dose has put me in a good place at least when compared to last month where my sole aim was get money then use money to buy drugs. Rinse and repeat.
As a method to fill my spare time I have thrown myself back into gaming and in general games with lots of depth so as to lose myself in gaming rather than in some back street ally waiting for my dealer. When weighing those two options up we all know which one is better for me as a person. The addict would of course choose the total opposite.
There has been one day that sticks out and it was only a couple of days back now. I had rode over to collect some money and had planned to come straight home. Almost the instant I had the money in my hand I was planning on how, from who and where to score. I was so close to going through with it. At the very last moment I decided to forget it. Instead I went home, smoked some weed, had a couple of Jack Daniels and coke and then into bed. For many this is no big feat but for an addict and I can only speak for myself but this is a big deal and something I am proud of. It actually feels like I am getting back to a place where I can say no, can choose the right path.