I will be the first to admit that since getting the all clear from my blood tests for Hep A, B, C and HIV I used it as an excuse to continue old ways. Even though I know right down to my core something is always there niggling telling me that this time it will be different. Addiction very quickly loses its novelty and it is this phase that 90% of addicts find large portions of their lives spent looking for different answers even though they know the outcome.
2020 still has plenty of time for me to pull things together but if I had to really narrow down some definitive goals it would have to be getting back into work ideally at a retail store like Aldis who pay better and have better future oppotuntities when compared to the other major players in the UK’s food and retail sector. Even just thinking about work leaves me feeling a little off balance. My world has been dominated by a certain lifestyle that almost couldn’t be any more different. The closest many of the people I encounter as an addict come to stores like Aldi’s, Co Op and Sainsburys is when they are shoplifting from them. That isn’t to say I am a member of that group. In fact shoplifting was never my route to getting money for drugs. Not just because my skills lie elsewhere but the risk of arrest, court cases outweigh even the best rewards in my opinion.
Tomorrow I will throw myself back into NA and I will also do my best to get along to a minimum of 2 meetings a week and this time with the intention of actually completing steps.
Update: I did actually manage to get along to a meeting and once I was there and committed I actually enjoyed being there. I would be lying if I said I have no issues with the higher power part even though I know it is a power and how I see/interpret it. It is almost ironic because in some ways I am rather spiritual believing that humans are all connected in some way shape or form. At least for now I am getting some support and have people around me who are also addicts thus removing that consious thought of watching what I say, when and to who.
I’ve still not decided whether to do the Thursday night meeting or the Friday morning one. I do plan on ramping up the amount of meetings I get along to but for now easy does it. Just attending two meetings a week is a pretty big feat for me.