Major Progress, Major Emotions

So since my last post I have made amazing progress in reducing my methadone dose. I was fairly stable on 40ml but had to briefly go up to 50/60ml for a couple of days. I then dropped back down to 40ml again with no problem. From there I started dropping 5ml here 10ml there and here I am now down to 25ml. I have only got this low two times in my life. The first was around 7 years ago when I reduced down to 15ml methadone and relapsed. The second time was when I went into a detox facility followed by rehab.

I won’t lie I can feel my skin crawling. It is only very slight minor withdrawals. The hot flushes are probably the worst bit so far. I did take 10mg of Oxazepam and 300mg of Pregabalin just to make things a little bit more comfortable. I know that some of you will be wondering if it is a good idea to use other drugs to reduce a methadone script. I can’t give you a straight answer because it is a little more complex than that. The benefit of using benzodiazepines, pregabalin, promethazine etc is that you can reduce and even completely subdue opiate related withdrawal symptons without using an actual opiate which would of course be counterproductive. The important thing to note is that the meds I mentioned can be abused and can be addictive so you have to be careful. I don’t even actually have the Oxypam in my hands so to speak. I gave it to my Mother so if I want one I have to ask which puts in a good barrier to reduce any risk of me abusing them.

For 10 years I had no real intention of giving up drugs. I had so much pain to cover that sticking a needle in my arm 3, 5, 10 times a day was a ok with me. Thinking about my son, who I will never see again was the worst pain ever. I woke up everyday feeling sick to my very core and in that moment I would feel every bit of pain every day without fail. I would be lying if I said I didn’t hope that one day I would get a hit that would end me. It isn’t that I don’t have the balls to commit suicide. The one thing that stopped me trying intentionally was how much it would hurt my Mum. It would destroy her and I can’t be responsible for even more pain and distress. I’ve caused enough of that to last a lifetime. I know this doesn’t quite make sense. I wouldnt want to put her through that but my thinking was if indirectly than it would be different. Of course it would’nt but at that time it was how I saw things.

If I had a time machine I wouldn’t change getting Claire pregnant but I would be there from the very beginning. I fucking hate myself for leaving that poor girl all on her own with a baby whose farther (me) didn’t want to know. I always said I wouldn’t be like my Dad yet in so many ways that is exactly what I turned out to be.

I know that I’m getting to that point where all those emotions are coming to the surface and I have no choice but face them. It isn’t like heroin even covers up that pain like it did for 10 years, it just subdues it a little. I really want to show her that I can get clean that I’m more than just a junkie. In her defence she’s never really held my addiction against me. She was the one who planted the seed that if our son comes looking do you really want to still be a heroin/opiate addict.

I’m sure you can tell that my mind is all over the place so sorry for the ramble. I’m just giving you an unedited look into the world of a heroin addict.

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