My depression is back with a vengeance and has left me feeling lost I guess. Mornings have been the worst and usually my mood lifts a little in the evening but not always. I have never been the suicidal type mainly due to the pain it would cause various members of my family rather than actually caring myself. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve uttered the words under my breath “What is the point?”.
In all honesty emotionally I found it easier to be a drug addict than being clean. Or at least that is how I feel about it at the moment. I spent 10 years running away from all this shit, and now it’s all coming back and now I don’t have that chemical crutch or filter that allowed me to ignore my surroundings.
Speaking to the sons mother brings so much back. Alot happened between us in a relatively short time period. She has on and off for the last decade tried to make contact but I have to hold my hands up and say I either deliberately start an argument or just ignore her because I couldn’t give her what she wanted. Drugs were my only concern she was just too much trouble even if deep down.
The last couple of days has seen both major periods of depression as well as pretty strong cravings. The mornings seem to be the worst time but not always. Usually I would be craving snowballs (speedball for US readers) but this time its different. I don’t actually want to use heroin, crack any drug really. Instead I would like to block out these emotions and memories.
This is an inner battle that is constantly being waged inside my head.