Gym, relationships and depression

So it’s been a little while since I last posted. This has mainly been because of a mix of having nothing to talk about and on the other hand just being lazy.

Speaking to my son’s mother has been a bit of a mixed bag. At points we get on like a house on fire, in fact even better than when we were sleeping together. However, that said there is still this massive tension and weirdness between us. I am going to try and keep my distance because quite frankly I not only shouldn’t be dealing with this but I also can’t in lots of ways. She brings out the best and worst in me.

On a more positive note I have been consistent in going to the gym and seeing great results. I have always been skinny but put on lots of fat/weight since going to rehab in 2018. My diet was terrible up until I started trying to get in better shape. Although it is hard to tell just how much of and effect the gym has had on my addiction and methadone reductions/withdrawals I do think it is helping somewhat. Even if only giving me something to fill my time.

Not only have I got extremely bored since getting clean but I often either wake up depressed or get depressed as the end of the day approaches. Today was one of those days where the morning was ok, but the evening left me with that everything seems so pointless and why am I even bothering. Being a heroin addict came with an almost endless list of negatives but at least it meant I didn’t have to deal with my emotions or how I feel.

I cannot stress how much I want face to face NA meetings to start up again. I have been attending online meetings most days and in fact often twice daily for the last 2 weeks. I feel that now is the time to really start engaging with the program. Even though I get 80ml methadone a day on a weeks takeout script. I am now only actually taking 30ml/day and even though my last drop to 30 was horrible, this time I think I done it slowly enough that my body is now used to this dose after just 3 days. Only time will tell but I feel good about the direction I am heading in.

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